


Drive Thru Shenanigans

by zzzzzzzo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, FTM Dave, Fast Food, I'll add on if anything else happens I guess, I've got LOADS of stuff planned out, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Rage Quit, Trans Charater, YouTube, mtf Vriska, probably a lot more
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-06 07:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zzzzzzzo/pseuds/zzzzzzzo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day didn't seem different than any other, performing a prank with his best friend on hand. The idea seemed innocent enough, Karkat's reaction was hilarious and certainly would never get old, so why not use him multiple times? What John was not prepared for was how important this troll would soon become, or the downward spiral of events that would follow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Proposition

**Author's Note:**

> AND IT HATH BEGUN, the story I have been planning for months, procrastinated on for ages, and finally posted the first chapter of. I was originally gonna make this a super long one-shot, but the word count would be super intimidating if I did that. I dunno if anyone will be interested in this or like it at all, but I'll just throw it out there now: the updating will be super irregular on this, so don't expect much and try to just be patient. I'll do my best, but I'm probably the slowest and laziest writer in the world, and this whole school thing doesn't help much :\ Anyways, enjoy!

“Did Dave seriously lend you his place for this?”

“Yeah, why would I lie about that?”

Vriska raised an eyebrow, lips painted cerulean pinched suspiciously, at the back of John's head as he fumbled with the door's lock. “ _John_. Do you really expect me to believe Dave gave you permission to go into his apartment when he's not home just so you could do some stupid prank he doesn't even like ironically?”

“Well... yeah!” John cast her a look of mock offense over his shoulder as he opened the door and stepped to the side to let her in first. “I'm your best friend-slash-weird troll pale-buddy. You're supposed to believe me; in sickness and in health, as was stated in our official broship contract. Are you trying to break us up? Vriska, I'm hurt. Hurt so bad.”

“No, if anyone, it's _me_ who's hurt.” Vriska stepped into Dave's apartment backwards so she could throw John a betrayed expression, lower lip trembling. “First you lie to me, then you have the audacity to accuse _me_ of lying, and worst of all, you can't even be bothered to learn the word moirail! John, how _dare you._ In fact, yes, I am trying to break this up.” Her false about-to-cry face morphed into a shit-eating grin. “And after we're over, you can _guarantee_ your fate will be just the same as my last ex's was.”

“Okay, okay, sorry!” John laughed, albeit a bit nervously. He was pretty sure she was joking, but it could be hard to tell with Vriska. “How is what's-his-name, anyway?”

Vriska's smile grew. “Funny you can't remember his name, because I'm pretty sure he still can't recall it either.” She plunked herself down on the moth eaten couch, leaning back and watching from the corner of her eye as John picked his way carefully around the smuppets scattered across the floor. Even now, years after Bro's death, Dave still kept the things around his new apartment despite how much they terrified him, claiming it was for ironic purposes. John never called him out on the real reason though; he still ate Betty Crocker products, after all, claiming that the taste 'grew on him.' “Anyway, you're avoiding the subject. Since Dave obviously didn't give you permission to do this, how did you gain possession of his apartment's key?”

“Well... I obviously didn't swipe his spare from his pocket when he wasn't looking, because that would be unethical! And were that the case... what Dave doesn't know won't hurt him, _right?_ ”

“ _Riiiiiiiight_ ,” said Vriska, in a tone reminiscent of Kronk from The Emperors New Groove. It was then John finally reached his destination, the refrigerator. Hoping to find some popsicles to make the unbearable heat of the day more tolerable, John opened the freezer and, with a yelp of surprise, just barely managed to dodge the onslaught of samurai swords.

\---

“It is way too hot for this.”

John didn't spare Vriska a single look, too absorbed in scanning over the edge of the balcony for his next victim. “No, this weather's perfect! The sun's bright enough that if people look up we won't get caught, and it eases my conscience that people are probably grateful anyway since I'm cooling them off.”

“It's not supposed to be a good thing for both parties when you prank someone. You should do this on a cold winter's night.” Vriska smiled tiredly as she pictured it. “Just think; you're a college student hurrying back from Starbucks, having gone there to get fuel to complete your project due a few hours from now. Suddenly, a water balloon falls from nowhere right onto your head, soaking you and ruining your drink. You don't have time to get a new one and you have no way of knowing who did this to you, so you're forced to continue on your way. By the time you return, you're covered in ice, have mentally plotted thousands of ways to kill the one who did this to you, and you still need to complete your report. Now _that's_ a prank.”

“No, _that's_ being an asshole,” John countered, raising an eyebrow but not taking his eyes off of his prey, “...which, okay, is also pretty fun, but still! My videos are meant to make people laugh, not ruin someone's day, right guys?” John glanced at the camera aimed at the street below. He had actually forgotten that he was filming, as was often the case. It was easy to get lost in hanging out with friends, enough that by now he was used to it.

“What about me, John? Doesn't it matter that I'm miserable? Or do you value your anonymous victims over your moirail?”

John rolled his eyes at the blatant guilt trip. “You can leave whenever you want, you know. It's not like I'm physically forcing you to hang out with me.”

“We took only your car to get here, actually, soooooooo...”

“Are you saying you'd have any problem with stealing my car?” John smirked.

“Of course not.” Vriska twiddled her thumbs. “I actually do have a real reason for being here, you know. And not some bullshit 'because we're friends' one.”

John eyed her curiously over his shoulder; this was news to him. “Yeah? What is it?”

Vriska didn't meet his eyes. She looked peeved, but it was more likely that she was just embarrassed. “You know that awesome ancestor I'm always talking about?”

“Yeah?”

“And know how it would be totally awesome if I were able to dress as her?”

“...I guess...?”

“And know how I have no skill when it comes to sewing and the like, while your ex girlfriend who you're still friends with does?”

“Yeah, I suppose... Wait....” John's eyes widened slightly. “Are you using me so you can use Rose? That's cold, Vriska.”

“Shut the hell up, it's about as cold as this day is. Can you hook me up or not? Please don't delay your answer with sarcasm; I'd rather not spend any time more than necessary in this heat.”

John deliberated for a moment before returning to his careful investigation of the street below. “Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I'll try, but you can never really tell with Rose.”

“That's all I ask.”

John's eyes were carefully following a potential target when slowly his brows furrowed. “Wait... Why don't you just ask that girl who knows how to sew? Um, Candace, or something.”

“Kanaya. I used to, but recently after making me this Wendy dress, she started acting really weird and defensive whenever I asked her to sew me something.”

“Oh.” John was satisfied with this explanation, even though it left much to be desired. Someone else may have wondered, wouldn't it be easier to just talk it over with Kanaya, rather than going through a complicated plan that might not even work? John, however, knew her well enough by now not to pry. He was sure Vriska had her own reasons for it, though knowing her, it was probably just because she liked scheming and manipulating people, even if it slowed things down.

“See anyone good?” John jumped about a foot. While he was lost in thought, Vriska had crept up with that impossibly silent step of hers until she was leaning over his shoulder to whisper in his ear.

“V-Vriska!” He turned on her, only to jump again when he discovered her shirt had been discarded at some point. “Holy shit. Don't scare me like that, and get your shirt back on, for Gods sake!”

“Now why should I do that?”

“Scaring people is mean, and you're a girl so it's weird.”

“Yeeeeeeeeah, I know, but until society can get off their high horse and accept that,” her voice dropped several octaves, “I may as well use the few perks of being biologically male to my advantage, no?”

“Yeah yeah, but that's so... awkward. At least _warn_ me or something, jeez.”

“I make no promises.”

“Bluh bluh.”

Unimpressed with his response, Vriska directed her eyes to the street below. Her breath hitched as she found herself face to face with the perfect opportunity.

“Give me one of those.” A perturbed John looked on as the hesitantly offered balloon was practically snatched from his hand, leaning in curiously to see who she was taking such careful aim at. Whether it was her meticulous planning or her seemingly limitless luck, the balloon flew smoothly through the air and straight to it's target. It was hard to make out the troll from seven floors up, but it appeared to have smaller than average horns and horrible posture. His reaction was instantaneous, a string of curses piercing the air at a rapidly rising volume the moment the balloon made contact. Even so far away John could still faintly hear the sound of his yelling, so it must be deafening in the troll's immediate area. He watched with an entranced horror, the way a bystander looked upon a car crash, as the troll shouted and flailed and tried in vain to make out the thrower, the sun preventing him from deciphering the two. He yelled and stomped and gestured and just caused a ruckus in general for a solid five minutes before slinking away in defeat, likely imagining the gruesome death of whoever was at fault. In short, it was probably the most hilarious reaction ever, and John got it all on tape.

The moment the troll was out of sight the two burst out laughing, both too consumed with mirth to be petty and sarcastic like they usually were. “Oh... my... God,” John panted, struggling to speak through the giggles that continued to consume him. “Who _was_ that?”

“Karkat Vantas. He's my....” Vriska's voice trailed off, a plan sparking in her mind. “Say, do you still do drive thru pranks?”

“Uh, yeah, why?”

She grinned. “John,” she, wrapping a conspiratorial arm around his shoulders, “prepare yourself, because you are about to get a shit ton of views on YouTube.”

John smiled back at her, not quite certain what she was planning but excited for it just the same. “My body is ready."


	2. Coning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter is really short. It's not worthy of taking 3 months to post in the least. Oh well. It's kinda silly at least?

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT JESUS POGO STICKING ACROSS A PILE OF CIRCUMCISED PENGUINS.”

Karkat was shouting the moment the balloon made contact with his head, words cascading out in the same manner the water did over his gorgeous locks. He raised a hand slowly, silent after his initial outburst, and almost delicately grabbed a thin rectangle of plastic stuck in his hair. He examined it meticulously, turning it over in his hand to view it from all angles. His suspicions were confirmed. A water balloon.

A fucking _water balloon?!_

“Are you actually serious right now. Of all the ways to ruin my day in the world, of all the torturous things I have experienced and the others soon to come, a fucking water balloon hits me the one time I'm having a good day? Not only will I have the unpleasantness of water making my clothes cling to my back like a goddamn desperate lover until I return to my humble abode, I'll also constantly have it hanging over my head that something so childish and unoriginal actually had the audacity to screw things up for me. It was probably dropped by a bunch of grubtarded kids, for Chrissake, looking to get their shame globes off at the sight of everyone else's misery. Well, enjoy it while you can,” at this point Karkat glared upwards with one hand shielding his eyes; fuck the sun too, how dare it make his attempts at seeing his perpetrators futile, “you putrid beings, because I will get you. I will find the lowly assholes that did this, and I will skin you, slowly and punctiliously, until your stinking organs are hanging out for everyone to see, and then, with all my previous caution gone, I will rip from your think pans whatever part of them tempted you to do this. Do you hear me? _I will fucking rip it out!”_

It was then Karkat made his hasty abscond, face red and shoulders hunched. He could have continued, but at the point when his yelling turned graphic, the looks he was getting changed from annoyed or amused to fearful. As much as he wanted to vent the rage he still felt, he didn't want to have the cops called on him _again._ Really, he was just ranting a little, everyone does that from time to time, so what was the big deal? Not everyone saw things that way though, so he stuck to muttering under his breath on the hurried trek home.

He sighed with relief when he reached his hive, some of the tension falling from his shoulders. He immediately made a beeline for the ablution trap, preferring not to unknowingly soak all his possessions as he went about his daily life.

Beneath the calming spray of warm water, Karkat began to relax a bit. It was a rare treat to be relieved of some of his usual tension, so he reveled in the experience. He even managed rational thought, quite the accomplishment for one so exaggerated. _It's not so bad, I guess,_ he thought as he closed his eyes and tilted his head up. _I've never been pranked before, and it'll probably never happen again._ He smiled slightly, relieved and certain of the truth in his thought. _This is definitely just a one time thing._

Oh, how wrong he was.

\---

“You’re late.”

“Can it, Serket.” Karkat gritted his teeth. Aw yes, another day of working minimum wage at a fast-food restaurant, what fucking fun. The icing on the cake had to be the constant supervision and prodding done by the most irritating assistant manager on the planet, Vriska Serket. She smirked at him, the very image of pure evil despite the baseball cap and corny nametag that accompanied her uniform.

“Well, aren’t _you_ in a good mood today? Something happen, Karkles?”

“Don’t call me that!” the troll snarled as he yanked on his hat with more force than necessary. Of all the things that were okay, being called the same nickname his matesprit called him by this bitch was not on the list. Not by a long shot.

“What’re you gonna do about, hmmmmmmmm? I am your superior, after all.”

“You’re awfully proud for someone working at a fast food restaurant. Really, working in a high position at an establishment dedicated to serving horrible, artery-destroying substances to unsuspecting citizens of the North America. Such a proud fucking position to be serving. Really, I can see why you’re acting all high and mighty.”

The girl rolled her eyes. “Pleeeeeeeease. I am so above this job. It’s just a temporary thing. Just you wait, one day you’ll actually respect my authority when it’s not just for this hamburger bullshit.”

“What, are you gonna be a pirate or some crap? Good fucking luck with that. You leaving on a boat to go scavenging about for booty is about as likely as me seeing you off on that ship, waving a handkerchief like the lovely damsel I am.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” She glanced at the clock. “Now get to your shift, Vantas. You’re on the drive thru today.”

He quirked a brow. “What’s the rush?”

“The rush is do your job before I sock you, capiche?” The troll grumbled an affirmation and stalked off to his post, though he couldn't help but wonder at his coworkers odd behavior. Vriska was an annoying spiderbitch from hell, sure, but she usually wasn't very strict or punctual at her job, especially if disregarding her work meant an opportunity to nag someone and just be a pest in general, so he couldn't understand why she— _oh,_ that's how it was. Tavros smiled at him in that slightly nervous way he always did (Karkat probably scared the little milksop, ha) and raised a finger to stop Karkat until the long-horned troll was finished with his current customer. Vriska probably just wanted Karkat to start his shift so she could chat the guy up. Whatever.

Karkat's shift that day began like any other, dragging on and on for what felt like hours. There were people who complained about mistakes in their order when they had never asked for whatever was correct in the first place, people who he couldn't understand a single word of due to bad diction and whispered registers, and people who yelled to him nearly as loudly as his retaliation. Basically, your average day of dealing with assholes when they couldn't be bothered to disguise how horrible they really were and being payed next to nothing. Fucking great.

If he thought that was bad, he should have seen what was coming. While it was irritating dealing with only the lowest of the low in society, at least it was more or less what he expected. What occurred wasn't so bad on it's own, but it would surely soon spiral out of control into hell as was often the case for Karkat Vantas and his shitty life.

A boy who had ordered nothing but a single vanilla ice-cream cone pulled up. He grinned at Karkat and piped out a friendly “hello!” Karkat grumbled back illegibly, appraising the stranger with a critical eye. He wasn't looking at the human's appearance; he had no reason to seeing as to that he already had a matesprit. The troll was more studying the mischievous glimmer in his—really fucking blue, wow—eyes. It didn't make sense until the boy reached to take his cone, his hand very deliberately aimed for the ice-cream part of it rather than the cone. 

Oh.

Oh you motherfucker. This little shit was going to cone Karkat. What the hell happened; he went the first two decades of his life without being pranked once and now all of a sudden it happened twice in as many days? What the fuck? Karkat was going to show this bastard though, he was going to throw that ice-cream at the little shit's face so hard. Judging by the way the human bit his lip to keep from laughing, the rage and anticipation was showing clear as day on Karkat's face. Ugh. 

_Laugh while you can, asshole,_ Karkat thought as he tensed himself in preparation while the human reached out and—and. At the last second, the boy adjusted his hand's angle and grabbed the ice-cream cone normally.

Okay, what.

“Thanks!” the boy chirped, throwing him a charming buck-toothed grin. He then reached beside him and pulled something out of a bag in the seat beside him. “Here, take this,” he said, winking and handing the object to Karkat. Before the troll could register the situation, the human waved casually and drove away.

Karkat blinked slowly, and looked down at the object. And. Holy shit. He stared at his hand's contents, stunned, enraged, and a little impressed. It was a good thing it was a slow day, so he didn't have any customers to deal with in his state of shock.

Vriska glanced over and noticed Karkat looked odd, standing straight, stiff, and perfectly still. “Hey Vantas, what's up?” she called. Karkat turned in slow motion to face her, his eyes filled with horror. In his hands was a traffic cone.

“He _coned_ me,” Karkat whispered.

Vriska was still laughing ten minutes later, receiving many odd looks from the customers she was neglecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brother invented the coning method that John did so I gotta credit him for his genius. Check out his Tumblr and praise him graciously here: http://pizzaface4372.tumblr.com/  
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! ^^


	3. Unrequited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohmygoodness I am so sorry it takes me so long to update, it's like my ability to write comes in phases or something. Oh well, at least this chapter's a bit longer than the others? I don't really have a specific length for them, there's just a certain amount that needs to happen before the focus switches to the next character. Anyway though, some critique on this would be really really helpful, especially the characterization. I'm really worried that I failed at Kanaya, and Vriska, and well, everybody that has been or will be in this story. If you think something seems both poorly or well done, please tell me, so I know what to avoid and what to keep doing. Thanks! Also, the troll movie in this is Twilight if anyone was wondering. I haven't seen the movie but I've read the books (and hated every second) so I have a pretty good idea of what happens and whatnot, and spent a good ten or twenty minutes writing that out. Enough of me though, you've got some silly momrails and awesome Vriska to read. Enjoy!

Minutes in the future, but not many, a young troll stepped into the very same eatery. She wrinkled her nose in disgust at the cheap and greasy aroma of the place. It was a minor reaction for her; the first time she had set foot in the establishment she had to duck and run, desperately searching for some perfume, any at all. She would've even settled for a tasteless fragrance released by a celebrity, as long as it removed that putrid odor from her cartilage nub slots. By this time, however, she was used to it from going there so often. She hardly even blinked. 

This young woman was Kanaya Maryam. She was a classy sort, much more civilized than those other assholes this story has included so far. She was the type who in ordinary circumstances would not be caught dead in a place like this. 

The circumstances, of course, were not ordinary, though they were certainly cliché. 

Behind the counter, neglecting the long line of customers, was a troll with her back to Kanaya laughing up a storm. The girl had long, tousled hair hanging down past her waist, mismatching horns, and a cocky, confident laugh. That was all Kanaya could see at this angle, but the jade-blood knew much, much more about this troll. She knew that the girl wore large round glasses, with a black lens to cover her missing left eye. Her lips were painted in her blood color, cerulean, and often poised in a self-assured smirk. Defiant, overbearing, obnoxious, and so, so amazing. 

It was safe to say that Kanaya was completely and utterly smitten with Vriska Serket. 

Vriska at last turned from her chortling to her impatient line of customers. Her eyes immediately met the other troll's, and she grinned, waving to the jade-blood. 

“Hey, Kanaya! Come on up, you order first.” The young woman did, struggling to force down the blush that followed at being a priority and maintain her refined aura. 

Several customers glared at her as she stepped up to the register. Kanaya couldn't blame them. It was a quite long line she was omitting, after all. They could stand to be a bit more subtle in their annoyance though. “Hey, what the hell?” one man towards the front protested, casting the two trolls both a look of disgust. “I've been here for ten minutes!” 

Vriska's eyes narrowed. She leaned over the counter and grabbed his collar, yanking him down to eye-level with a vicious tug. “So? Maybe if you weren't so laaaaaaaame, I would've dealt with you sooner. However, you can't help how much you suck, so I shall be reasonable. Wait for the people who are my priorities, and all will be fine and dandy. Be an asshole, and your shit is wrecked. _Got it?_ ” The man nodded silently, unable to speak with his airway cut off. Vriska grinned, sharp teeth gleaming and absolutely terrifying, releasing the man with a careless shove. He gasped and massaged his throat, stumbling back into the line. 

Kanaya had the weirdest boner right then. 

“Every day I question how you maintain the stability of your occupation, considering your behavior with the patrons of the establishment.” 

Vriska rolled her eyes. “Oh, shush, Fussyfangs. Stop meddling with my shitty job of all things; this is a new low. Oooooooobviously they keep me around because they recognize how exceptional and badass I am. Is that really so hard to grasp.” 

“Whether or not you actually are those attributes is a debate for another day. However, I do not believe they are hiring based on those qualities, here or otherwise.” 

“...Are you doubting my greatness. Is that actually a thing that you are doing.” She pronounced great as “gr-eight” almost. It was yet another quality Kanaya found strangely endearing. Oh dear, she was in so much trouble. 

“I would never. I was merely questioning the integrity of the work place were they to employ with a rationale such as that. Those circumstances would be quite dubious.” 

“Yes, but logical!” Vriska grinned, eyes gleaming at the idea. She _would_ give the thought of that serious consideration. Of course. Why, oh why, did that have to be adorable. Why Vriska Serket, of all people. Kanaya was going to give herself an aneurysm, though that admittedly may be from the artery-clogging food the establishment had to offer. 

“...Um, excuse me?” A particularly brave member of the line shuffled awkwardly. Kanaya felt absolutely deplorable. While Vriska may not care about keeping the customers waiting, and goodness knows the Virgo enjoyed her company, it certainly was quite rude to hold them up like this. “Sorry to interrupt, but, I mean, we have been waiting a while....” 

“Of course, my apologies.” Vriska looked like she was about to protest, but Kanaya quickly cut her off. “I did not at all mean to intrude upon your afternoon meal. Vriska,” Kanaya turned to face the other troll, casting her a pointed look, “the usual.” 

“Always a pushover, hm? We're so much better than those people, they should feel honored to made wait by us.” Vriska shrugged, not pushing it too much thank goodness. She instead focused her attention on the register. “Right, same old fruit parfait? Though really, who gets a parfait at a fast food place and nothing else. You might as well go somewhere that's, you know, not shit?” 

“It's partially to enjoy time with my moirail during his recess,” the Virgo retorted tactfully, which was true, of course. It was always nice to spend time with Karkat, though much of that time was spent on him complaining about his day. It was just, to be honest, not a very big influence on why Kanaya came so often. 

“ _Suuuuuuuure_ ,” said Vriska, deadpan, clearly not buying it but not interested enough to pry further. Thank goodness she wasn't going to meddle with this particular case; Kanaya would be mortified if she learned the real reason. “Well, whatever then.” She shrugged, ducking back for a moment to fetch Kanaya her parfait. “I don't see the point of coming several hours before Karkat's break, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.” 

“Indeed this does cause my flotation vessel to be buoyant. Thank you.” She accepted the parfait, not anticipating it's consumption in an entirely positive light. She would come just to sit, but that would mean almost no time to converse, so yeah. A little unappetizing provender never hurt anyone. Well, actually, not quite, but the sentiment was clear enough. 

Kanaya gave the Scorpio a polite nod of farewell after paying, and proceeded to lurk in a booth for hours and not stalk Vriska at all. Of course not, something such as that would be entirely unladylike. No, she simply kept an eye on her dear friend. For two hours, long after she finished her parfait. And ducked back or quickly turned when Vriska glanced her way. Not stalking in the least. 

After a long period of being not-at-all-creepy, the time came for Karkat's meal break. While Karkat held the food of the establishment in a very low regard, he grudgingly admitted it was the most convenient considering his position, as it was both quick, close, and cheaper than cheap thanks to his discount. Thus, Kanaya was not surprised when he fast-walked over to her table, shoulders hunched and tray in hand. 

It was, however, a strange sight to see him carrying a traffic cone under an arm. 

Karkat plunked these items down on the table, speaking before Kanaya could question the unusual article. “We need to talk. This is an intervention and you have a problem.” 

She blinked. “Well that's quite the conversation initiator. Whatever do you mean? I can assure that I have no addiction to the food served here. Quite the contrary, in fa-” 

“This isn't about your hypothetical interest in incredibly nauseating cuisine. I'm referring to your obsession with the Spiderbitch.” 

“That is preposterous, I am not obsessed in the least. I am simply here to engage in discourse with you, and while I of course occasionally do indulge in a chat with aforementioned cerulean blood, I am in no way-” 

Karkat's eyes widened slightly as he stared at something over Kanaya's shoulder. “Would you look at that, the bitch herself is coming over to talk to us. Color me surprised as fuck.” 

Kanaya hopped to her feet and whipped around in record time, confronting a very Vriska-free sight. She huffed, eyes narrowing at Karkat as she plopped back down, considerably less graceful than her usual movements. “Now, _that_ was unnecessary. I would have the very same response to any other of our acquaintances, of course. Really-” 

“ _Kanaya_.” He cut her off, reaching a hand across the table to none-too-gently pap her cheek. His mouth twitched at the corner, one of those rare affectionate smiles, both deprecating and fond. “Please. Denial isn't going to make this discussion any easier, and ultimately we both know that I am right.” 

She sighed, lowering her head and resigning her self to the gentle patting. “I just....” She trailed off, uncertain how to word her infatuation with Vriska. She didn't know why she found the troll so oddly irresistible, why she couldn't see to stop pining no matter how hard she tried. It was rather frustrating, really, and it _hurt_ , when she saw Vriska's obvious come-ons to Tavros, when she couldn't sleep and would begin fantasizing about what would probably never be. It was hopeless, it was pathetic, it was painful, and she just couldn't stop. 

“I know,” Karkat said quietly, his ministrations slowing. “I'm not asking you to stop, because that would be a real dickpickling move and it's not something you can help. It's just, the way you're handling this. I know you find this place utterly repulsive, yet you spend so much time here just sighing like a lovestruck fool, like the protagonist in _In Which The Main Protagonist Lives An Utterly Average And Normal Life Until One Day She Moves To Give Her Lusus Some Freedom, Meeting In Her New Home A Remarkably Attractive Rainbow Drinker Who Behaves Coldly Toward Her At First Until They Ultimately Fall In A Strong, Somewhat Unhealthy Flush Through A Series Of Events, After Which He Introduces Her To His Adopted Family Of Rainbow Drinkers And Engages In A Series Of What Would Normally Be Mundane Activities With Said Family While Learning Their Various Back Stories, Until During One Of Said Activities They Are Found By Another Clan Of Rainbow Drinkers And When One Sees The Protagonist He Does An Imprinting Of Sorts On Her, Determined To Drink Her Blood And Hers Alone, Hunting Her Down While The Family Of The Love Interest Attempt To Protect Her Until He Lures Her To Him By Threatening Her Lusus And She Is Saved By Her Love Interest In A Battle, Yet Her Love Interest Neglects To Attempt To Transform Her And Instead Simply Sucks Her Wound To Save Her Life, Including One Major Fight Scene, Strange Lighting Effects On The Main Rainbow Drinker's Skin, And An Attractive And Charismatic Background Character Who Will Become Relevant In Later Contributions To The Series_. I know it's hard, and fuck, does it sting, but I don't like seeing you stoop so low for something like this. When was the last time you even went to some high-class eatery that actually suited the spiffy outfit you chose on that particular day?” 

“...Ah. Well, you see, that's....” She frowned, not even bothering to finish whatever pathetic excuse she would think of. It was true, after all; she had spent an inordinate amount of time in Vriska's work place lately, and thus has had less time to occupy with other activities. Her meals had been restricted to parfaits and whatever she had at home to prepare, and she had spent the past several months working on the same design with little to no progress. 

“My point exactly. You know what, Kanaya, I'm taking you out tomorrow. We're going to go to some classy as fuck restaurant with overpriced cuisine and doucheballoons who turn up their noses at us because clearly they are oh so much better than you and me, really, of course, though in actuality they probably just have to extend their necks so the rods stuck up their asses don't come out of their mouths. We're going to be looked upon condescendingly and the food will be too rich for our blood and I'll even wear that tuxedo you made me if you want. It'll be fucking great.” 

“Oh, Karkat, you don't have to do that....” 

“Yes, I do,” he snapped, firm and set in his plan. “This is my duty as your moirail, and I'm going to live up to it. Tomorrow we're going on a pale date with some fine dining and so help me you are going to fucking like it.” 

Kanaya's lips curved up as she gazed fondly at him. His gruff tone and vulgar language did nothing to disguise his concern or all that he was doing for her. It was something she needed to work on with him, really. There was no need for him to be embarrassed or try to hide his displays of affection. She would save that discussion for another day, however. As it was, he was being so, so sweet, not so firm as to feel constricting yet enough so to be helpful. She really couldn't have asked for a better moirail. 

“Of course, dear, if you believe that's best. I'll enjoy it, I'm sure.” He didn't return her smile, but his eyes softened, and he nodded. Silent, the way he was when he was feeling happy or embarrassed and didn't fully trust his words. He was so very dear to her, she sometimes found herself surprised by it. 

Oh my. With all that's been discussed, she had almost forgotten about.... 

“Fuck!” Karkat exclaimed suddenly, glancing at the clock. “My break is about over, shit shit shit.” He shoveled food hastily into his mouth in a way that made Kanaya wrinkle her nose. When he hopped to his feet to return to his position, the Virgo caught his hand. 

“Ah, Karkat, one more thing.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?” 

“Why do you have a traffic pylon?” 

“...It's a long story.”


End file.
